I Hear Voices All Around Me, yet There Is No Sign
by call.me.alex
Summary: Ashley never thought that she would see Spencer as anything more than a friend. All the while trying to repair her broken friendship with Spencer, she falls deeply and madly in love with her. Will Spencer feel the same? Some things are from my own life.
1. A Crappy Beginning

**A/N: So I reposted the whole story plus one new chapter. The reason why I reposted it was because I fixed a few spelling/grammar issues. So yeah. Enjoy! **

I Hear Voices All Around Me, yet There Is No Sign of Life

Preface: Why Are You Here?

The car is slowly filling up with water. I'm not panicking, I'm not moving. I'm done crying because there are no tears left in me. I'm done hurting. I just want it all to stop. I should have known. I should have known that it was never going to happen. I was never good enough. Every thing was just a game. I should have known. At least where I'm going, I won't have to think about her anymore. Just as feel that there is nothing left in me, I see her face, and I leave, smiling.

Chapter 1: The Crappy Beginning 

I looked over at her, standing by our locker, getting her stuff out for her first class. In the second it took her to put her books into her bag, a million memories went running through my head. From the day that we met to the day that she signed my year book last year. I could see every laugh, every smile, and every deep secret. I took a deep breath and shook it all off. I turned around and walked towards the other direction.

I could feel the tension. It was blatantly obvious, how she never saw it, baffled me. I walked in the other direction because I no longer knew what to say to her. I didn't know her, and she no longer knew me. We were becoming too different, but I didn't want to admit it. I was in denial, and I couldn't see it. I was mostly mad at myself. Why couldn't I just say bye? Why couldn't I just walk away? Was it because I had never done it before? Was it because she was the only one, of whom I could actually talk to? I just wanted to know.

It was weird, because, on most days, I almost hated her, and then we'd have one good day, and I'd forget everything. I'd forget how much it felt weird to talk to her, or how awkward it was to ask her to hang out with me, or even how she could never make any time for me. The funny thing was, if she ever asked me to hang with her during lunch, and I had promised someone else that I'd have lunch with them, I'd still say yes to her.

Maybe it's just me though. Maybe she just doesn't feel that way, and I think I'm alright with that. The thing that _does_ bother me, is the fact that she said she'd try harder to make our friendship last. I just can't see it lasting anymore.

----------

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and I looked at it. I got a new text message from Band Buddy. I laughed. I couldn't believe that after four years, I still had her as that in my phone. I read it.

"_St. John's Café tomorrow?"_

"_Sorry,"_ I began to type. But then I deleted it. I thought for a moment. Okay, this is what I wanted. She was finally asking me, rather me having to bug her repeatedly.

"_Okay, sure,"_ I replied. I sent the message and waited.

My phone buzzed again. _"Cool." _

So I was going to have lunch with her tomorrow. I looked at the time. It was 9:30. I decided I would just shower in the morning. I jumped out of bed and stood in front of my closet. I pulled out a pair of Levi jeans and a collared, blue Izod shirt. I set them on the edge of my bed, along with my studded belt and my green Vans slip-ons. Pulling out my clothes for the next day was something of a nightly ritual I had. As weird as it sounds, it made me feel like even if the next day was shit, at least there was one thing I had control over. I smiled at my own abnormality and I lied down in bed. I turned my head to my open laptop. I flipped through the iTunes library and found my favorite band, The Spill Canvas and played "Self-Conclusion."

--------

Last year, my parents had made the decision that I was no longer going to be in band. Over the summer, I remember being so depressed that I wouldn't text or call anybody for weeks at a time. I would just listen to The Spill Canvas, and as bad as it sounds, I constantly thought about suicide. (Ironically, later that same year, a friend of mine, Sera, told me that my choices of music had a depressing feel to them.) I remember sitting up in my room for hours at a time, just starring at a knife that I kept in the drawer by my bed. Why was I like that? Why didn't I tell anybody? The sad part is I did. I told my parents, right before I left school that them not allowing me to do band anymore, would destroy me. They thought I was being dramatic. I even told them again, right before my two week trip to Jordan. I told them that I wasn't emotionally stable to go on such a trip. They thought I was retaliating against them. The truth was, it hurt me to ask them to let me stay behind. Since I was 8, I've begged my dad every summer to take us there.

Band had always meant so much to me. Since the 6th grade, the band room had been the only place that I'd ever felt at home. I constantly felt like a guest, even in my own room. I didn't and would never belong within my family. But what I was wrong about was that being in band would be enough to help me.

Since I wasn't allowed to do band, I made a deal with my mom. I was going to graduate early by one year, so I signed up for mostly senior classes. She called me during the second week I was in Jordan. She told me that two of my classes had conflicts. After we fixed what we could, I couldn't take AP Music Theory, which I was taking to replace band. I will never forget the day that she called me and told me that she put me back into band. I cried tears of joy. I was jumping up and down, and for once, my mother had actually listened to me.

The first day I walked into the band room my junior year, had to have been greatest day of my life. At least since the day I first went to high school. To see all these people who had cared so much, and all these people who were absolutely ecstatic that I was back. Even _she_ was happy. It all felt like I was going to be fine. Of course that was never the case as soon as I got home.

My father still insisted on blowing _everything_ out of proportion and making _everything_ a big deal. No matter how well I was doing in school, they would still say, "I know that you are more capable than _this_." They could just never be happy with what I did for them. They would constantly complain that band took away time form my homework, and yet they would interrupt me almost constantly during my "study" time, and have me do all this shit for them. Most of the time, they'd tell me to do stuff, while they simply sat on their asses watching TV. I was always changing my brother and sister, or bathing them, or feeding them, as if they were _my _children. I never told my parents, but when my sister was first starting to talk, she called me "Mommy." I ran up to my room and cried for hours. I don't know exactly why I cried. It might have been because I was mad at my mom, or maybe I was mad at myself. Whatever it was, I knew that that very memory would haunt me for the rest of my life.

--------

"So…how have you been?" I asked. We were sitting at a table inside St. John's Café with Alex, and her boyfriend, Mark.

"Pretty good, I guess," she replied.

"You guess, what does that mean?"

"I don't know. I've been stressed a lot this year."

I laughed. "Stressed about what?" I asked, in confusion. _I love that no matter how mad she can make me, I still can't help but worry about her. I can't help but care. _

"About school and stuff," she said looking away.

"Ah…well just think of it like this, this year will be what you make of it. If you think it'll be bad, then it will be, but if you stay optimistic, you'll be just fine."

"Yeah, you're right."

"I am?" I asked smiling.

"Well aren't you just hilarious!"

"Um," I put my finger on my lips, as if actually thinking about it. "Yeah, I am."

It was a good day. And I was happy.

---------

My most joyous part of the year is always marching season, for more reasons than just one. For one, it was the only time of the year that I got to have any sense of freedom. I would stay after school for every practice and game. Since practices and games didn't start for hours after school, those days gave me opportunities to hang out with the Tuba section. Sometimes, it would be an opportunity to hang out with her. We would go to One Fresh, go out to buy our secret pal gifts (gifts given to the boys in band by the girls), or even have political debates with Will (the only conservative republican in our little "tuba" group).

I remember the first football game of my sophomore year. I will never forget it. It was the first game of her freshman year. We had so much fun. That night we started the tradition of sitting next to each other on the bus rides to each game. We played music and danced. We laughed and joked all night long. We were almost inseparable on nights like that. During our break, we'd get nachos and just make giant messes where ever we went. On our way back to school after each game, we'd be so exhausted. Sometimes we'd even try to sleep. Of course, the rest of the Tuba section would never allow that. Once, James (the clown, and yet so very caring, member of the tuba section) shoved his ass right in front of her face when her eyes were closed. When she opened them and looked up to see _that_ in her face, she yelled, and we all laughed.

Every morning, I would walk withher to her first class, which caused me to be late every day, and to get a lot of detentions, but I didn't care. At the time, we saw it as something we both needed. Since we had no classes together, and since she was always busy during lunch, we had to make time, and that was the only time we could hang out. We used it as a time to vent, to tell each other about everything. At the time, we depended on each other in ways that others couldn't help us. That dependency that we once had, no longer existed after herfreshman year/my sophomore year of high school, and I doubt it could ever exist again.

-------

I was sitting in the band room after school, waiting for the last bell to ring. I sat in a chair, next my locker. When the bell finally did ring, I saw herwalk in and stand right next to me.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey."

She began to fidget with the hem of her shirt.

_Was she nervous? I never made her nervous._

"I was just, uh, wondering, if I could uh…"

"Just spit it out." _Woops, I think I just sounded a little mad._

"CanIsleepatyourhousetonight!" she practically screamed.

"Uhm, what?"

She took a deep breath.

"Can I sleep at your house tonight?"

I laughed.

"Why did that question make you so nervous?"

She looked down at the ground.

"I don't know, exactly."

"Yes."

"Huh," she looked up in confusion.

"Yes, you can sleep over."

She smiled, which caused me to smile back.

"Thank you."

"No problem."

--------

When we pulled into the driveway, I began to realize something. She had never been inside my house. We had been friends for so long and I had been inside her house more times than I could ever count. Yet, she had never taken a single step inside my home. I don't think _she_ even knew what it looked like.

We stepped out of my car, and she simply froze. I saw her out of the corner of my eyes. _What was she looking at?_ I looked up to my house. I never thought about how much bigger my house was than _hers_.

"Hey, ready to go in?" I asked, trying to get her to snap out of the trance she was so heavily stuck in.

"Huh," she shook herself back into reality, "yeah, let's go."

When we got into my room, she sat down on my bed, just taking it all in. I looked around my all too familiar room: The posters on the walls of bands like The Bravery, Klaxons, The Postal Service, The Spill Canvas, Death Cab for Cutie, Rooney, and so many more. The paintings and sketches I had done over the years of my favorite superheroes and skateboard designs. The autographed photos of actors like Tobey Maguire, Adam West, Adam Brody, and Kirsten Dunst. The shelves upon shelves of books filled with philosophy, mystery, and haunted tales. My laptop in the corner on my desk. The mini recording studio in another corner. The dark green drum set, three guitars (one bass), and the silver Bb Tuba. The black walls of my room with red artistic graffiti. The self-portrait on the ceiling of myself in my Marching Band uniform.

"Remind me again, why I've never been to your house?" Spencer asked, finally snapping me out of my little world.

"Uh, I don't know."

She sat down on my bed. I remained standing. She smiled and motioned for me to sit down next to her.

"So…" I said, trying to provoke her to talk. I knew that there had to be some specific reason for why _she_ would want to come here.

"He broke up with me," she suddenly said.

"Wha?" I asked in confusion.

"Aiden."

"Your boyfriend?"

She merely nodded her head yes.

_Oh no. I hated him, I hated everything about him, but she loved him. I knew he'd do that to her._

"Why?" was the only thing I could muster up to say.

"He…" and so the crying began. She leaned over until her face was buried as far as it could be into my shoulder. My shirt was slowly becoming drenched with her tears.

"It's going to be okay Spence. I'm here for you." I didn't know how much of that was true, but for now, I'd be here.

She finally pulled away from me, only slightly.

"He…he found someone else."

Her blue eyes were filled with more despair than my heart could take. I could feel the rage building inside of me. Having someone hurt her so much, hurt me so much more. I wished, at that moment, that I could take it all away for her.

"Spence, he never deserved you anyway," I said, astonished that I had just said that.

"What do you mean?"

Now I knew I'd have to tell her.

"Spence, what does she look like?"

"Who?"

"The other girl?"

"Uhm, all I know is that she has long brown hair, green eyes, and she's a little shorter than me."

"Is her name Valerie?"

"I think so."

"Oh shit."

"What is it Ashley? You can tell me."

"I think he's been cheating on you."

"WHAT?!"

She was now standing up in front of me. The tears no longer existed. All that was left now was hatred, hatred for the self-destructive, sub-human, testosterone-driven, teenage boy that she once fell in love with.

"If we're talking about the same girl, I've kind of…" I began to stumble over my own words, which was rare for me. "I've seen him with her before."

"WHAT?! Why didn't you ever tell me?" she was now yelling.

"Hey," I stood up, "Don't go yelling at me! I'm not the one doing this."

"Then why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Because, I thought that if I told you, that you wouldn't believe me."

"How could you think that?"

"How could I think that? So many times you've believed him over me."

"That's not true!"

"Do you remember that day that he was going to have lunch with you, and he never showed up?"

"Yeah, he said that he got a detention."

"And what did I say?"

"You said that you saw him at Tropical Smoothie."

"And who did you believe?"

"Him," she whispered.

"Right, so now do you know why I couldn't tell you?"

"Ash?"

I wanted to smile, because even in this moment of tragedy, she stilled called me by the nickname she had given me so very long ago.

"Yeah Spence?"

"Can we not talk about it anymore?"

"Sure."

We both sat back down.

"What do you want to do?" I finally asked, breaking the two minute silence.

"Will you play something?" she asked.

"Huh?" I asked in confusion.

"Will you play something," she pointed to the instruments in the corner.

I smiled and walked over to my acoustic guitar. It was black with swirls of red. I put my stool in front of her and sat down. I quickly contemplated what to play.

_It's the way that you blush when you're nervous.  
It's your ability to make me earn this.  
I know that you're tired, just let me sing you to sleep.  
It's about how you laugh out of pity,  
'Cause lets be honest I'm not really that funny.  
I know that you're shot, just let me sing you to sleep._

__

If you need anything, just the say the word.  
I mean anything.  
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,  
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

It's those pills that you don't need to take,  
medicating perfection, now that's a mistake.  
I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep.  
It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it.  
It's your grace and how it keeps me grounded.  
I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything, just the say the word.  
I mean anything.  
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,  
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

While you were sleeping I figured out everything,  
I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.  
Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins.  
You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame.

If you need anything, just the say the word.  
I mean anything. (I really do)  
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,  
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

_If you need anything, just the say the word.  
I mean anything.  
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,  
and plant my lips where your necklaces close._

I love that we both enjoy The Spill Canvas.

"I love that song," she said, as I put away the guitar.

I smiled.

"I know," I replied, plain and simply.

"How do you know me so well, and I didn't even know that you could play the guitar, or sing for that matter?"

I shrugged. I didn't know how to answer that.

"How do you…not hate me?"

Now I was really confused. I looked down at her. Sometimes, I felt as though I did hate her, but then I'd realize that I was just sad, that she couldn't be there for me, the way that I was always there for her.

"I…could never…" I began to stutter, and I think that she sensed it.

"Never what? Hate me? If I were you I would. God, Ashley, you've been the best friend I've ever had, and all that I've done is treat you like the gum on my shoe!"

I laughed at her corny analogy.

"What are you laughing at?" she asked, almost as though she was getting mad at me.

"You've never treated me like I was 'the gum on your shoe.' Sure you've done some mean things to me, but I'm no saint either."

"With me, you are," she mumbled.

I sat down beside her on the bed.

"Look, I may know a lot about who you are and what you like, but I no longer know anything about your life."

"Well what do you want to know?"

"I've got an idea. Look, it's Friday, how about you call your parents and ask if you can stay for the whole weekend."

"Won't your parents care if I stay for that long?"

"My parents are out of town and won't be back until Monday night. I said that I stay over at a friend's house, but this seems like a better idea."

"Uhm, okay. I'll go call them."

She came back into my room ten minutes later, with a big grin on her face.

"I'm guessing from the look on your face that your parents said yes."

She shook her head yes, and sat back down on my bed.

"So, what do you do around here?" she asked, looking around my room.

"Nothing really. Hey, want to go watch a movie? We have a bad-ass theatre room?"

"I'd love to!"

I stood up and led back downstairs, to the very edge of the house. We both walked into a rather large room that had a total of 15 la-z-boy recliners. She stood right behind me as I opened a cabinet, filled with hundreds of DVD's.

"Well, pick one or more if you want. They're in alphabetical order, so, have fun."

She stared at them in awe.

After about 15 minutes, and me beginning to doze off on one of the chairs, she finally walks over to me.

"Ash, I found some."

I sat up and looked at the movies that she handed to me: 1408, Saw V, and Friday the Thirteenth.

"Spence, these are all scary movies."

"I know."

"But these give you nightmares, and you know it."

"Yeah, but I have you here," she smiled, "so I'll be fine."

"Fine, which one first?"

"Uhm…how about Saw V?"

"Okay."

She sat down next to me, a little closer than I had anticipated. At one point in time, she pulled my arm to wrap around her. At that moment, her gaze remained on the movie, but mine drifted towards her. _What was she doing?_

After watching Saw V and 1408, Spencer decided that she had enough scary movies for the night. I could tell that it had nothing with the movies; it was that she was beginning to fall asleep.

"So, you can take my bed, and I'll sleep on the couch in the other room," I said to her.

"No, this is you're house, I'll take the couch," she replied.

"No way, you're my guest. Besides, the couch isn't so bad," I smiled.

She didn't want me to sleep on the couch, but I wasn't going to allow her to win this time.

At first, I couldn't sleep. I don't know why, but I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I looked over at the alarm and I realized that I had been lying here, for at least two hours.

Suddenly, I saw a shadow enter into the room. I looked at it, moving towards me. I said nothing. I did nothing. It slowly got closer, until finally it was lying right beside. Then I realized who it was.

"Spence?" I asked, in a slight whisper. She was facing me.

"I was scared," she replied.

We had never been so close before, and I wasn't really sure why it scared me, but it did.

"Ok. You can stay, I'll watch over you."

I couldn't tell, because it was too dark, but I could have sworn that she smiled.

-------

When I awoke the next morning, I noticed something very odd. I remember falling asleep with Spencer facing me, but now, she was facing in the other direction. Both my arms were wrapped around her, and her hands intertwined in mine. _How did we get this way? _

I tried to get up. I didn't want to wake her. As soon as I got my arms free from her grasp, she pulled me right back. I let out a sigh of defeat. I waited a few minutes, and then tried again. When I was finally able to stand up, I stared in awe. She was only wearing underwear and a wife beater. _How had I not noticed that last night? _I looked down at myself. She seemed so naked compared to me. I was wearing a pair of pajama pants and a Hanes white t-shirt. I kneeled down and pulled the blanket over her body.

I walked down the stairs, careful to avoid all of the squeaky floor boards. I stepped into the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. I decided I'd watch some T.V. while I waited for the pot to finish. As soon as I turned it on, I heard footsteps. I froze. I looked at the time. It was 6:30. _She was not one to wake up this early. _

"Hey," she said, walking towards me.

"Hey," I replied, just as she sat down next to me.

She was still only wearing underwear and a tank top. I felt like I couldn't breathe. _What was she doing to me? I had never felt this way before._

"Aren't you cold?" I finally asked.

She didn't answer, she only smiled. She scooted closer towards me, until finally; her skin was colliding with my pants. Her head landed on my shoulder and her hands in her lap.

"Mhmm…not anymore," she finally said.

Silence. I didn't know what to say or do. _Was this her way of dealing with Aiden? Was this some sort of game to her? Was she so desperate to make her own pain go away, that she'd drag me into some "love me/hate me" ordeal? What ever it was, it scared the living fuck out of me._

"Ash?" she asked, looking straight into my eyes. I suddenly felt naked. I felt as though when she looked at me, that she could see straight into my soul, my mind. As cliché as it sounds, it was probably her intentions.

"Yeah?" I asked, trying hard not to stutter.

"Do you think that the coffee is done?"

I laughed. Not aloud, but I did. I let out a sigh. _Thank god. _

"Well, I'll just have to go check, won't I?"

She nodded with a bright smile. She moved away as I got up.

I stood in the kitchen. I needed a moment away from her. _I'm not sure what she's trying to do. I don't know why she is. Why now? There had to be something that she wasn't telling me. I needed to know. _

"Hey, you'll get wrinkles that way," she said, rubbing her fingers across my forehead. _Ugh, stop that! Her fingers left an invisible mark, and I suddenly missed them. No! Stop that, stop thinking that way!_

"Huh…yeah. Uh, the coffee's done," I said, handing her a cup.

She smiled.

"What? What is it?" I asked, confused.

"Why did you give me this cup?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I can tell that this one is your favorite. Why did you give it to me?"

I looked at it. It was a dark green cup that had the words of Henry David Thoreau, "Rather than Love, than Money, than Fame...give me Truth."

"How do you know that it's my favorite cup?" I asked.

"Because I gave it to you, silly…"

_True, that she had._

"…but also, because it's a line from you favorite book and movie," she said.

"I gave it to you for just that reason," I replied.

"Why, because it's from the book Into the Wild?"

"No, because it's my favorite."

"Ash, I'm confused."

"No one else has ever used that cup, besides me. That cup is very special to me," I could feel the sweat forming on my forehead as I got more and more nervous, "and so are you."

She smiled. "Then thank you very much. That means so much to me."

For the majority of that morning, we sat on the couch, right next to each other, and watched T.V., but I don't really think that either one of us were watching it. Neither one of us really knew what was going on between us, but I don't think that we were ready to face either. It was a crappy beginning.


	2. It’s Just Not…Right

Chapter 2: It's Just Not…Right

"Hey, ready for bed?"

"Huh," she asked, snapping out of her trance.

We were sitting on the couch, watching some movie, but truth be told I wasn't paying attention to it. I didn't even know the name of it. She had just picked a random DVD and hit play.

"I said, are you ready for bed? It's one o'clock in the morning," I said.

"Uh, sure," she replied.

I stood up and started to head up the stairs. I was slightly nervous. Things were suddenly different between us, and I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about it all. The air between us had shifted within a matter of a day or two. We were finally at the top of the stairs when I turned and looked at her.

"Am I to be expecting another late night visit from you?" I asked. She suddenly seemed nervous.

She even blushed. She was having trouble finding an answer.

"Come on, I'll take you to your room," I said, pulling her farther down the hall.

When we reached the door, I just stood there and waited for her to go inside. I began to walk away, but she quickly grabbed my hand and made me stop.

"Stay," was all that she said.

"Okay," I replied, following her into the room.

I lied down on the bed, not very close to her. She must not have approved of that, because she inched her way closer to me and draped her arm across my chest.

"Ah, better," she whispered.

I don't think that she knew that I heard her, but I did. Then I smiled, just to tell her that I had.

"Good night Spence," I said. I took a deep breath, and then I kissed her on the top of her head.

"Goodnight Ash," she replied, snuggling closer and placing her head into the crook of my neck.

It took me a while to actually fall asleep. I was tired, there was no doubt about that, but I just didn't _want _to sleep. I was afraid of the morning. I was afraid that come Monday, back at school, everything between Spencer and I would go back to the way that it was. I don't think that I could take that, not after the past two days. We'd still have tomorrow morning to hang out, and then what? What would happen after that? I hated this. I hated being so uncertain of the future.

----------

I woke up before her the next morning, even though I felt as though I had never fallen asleep in the first place. I felt as though I had stayed up all night, just watching her sleep, dreading this very moment. It was officially Monday, which meant I'd have to take her to school. I looked over at my alarm and we had about an hour before having to leave. I looked at her and smiled. She looked so peaceful sleeping. She would smile from time to time. I finally decided to try and wake her.

"Spence," I whispered in her ear.

She didn't move.

I began to shake her ever so slightly, while repeating her name. She finally began to stir about.

She took a deep breath, "Hey," she whispered, without opening her eyes.

"Hey," replied smiling.

"Ugh, we have school today, don't we?"

I laughed, "Yeah, we do."

"What does this mean for us?"

I looked at her in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, we're still friends, right?"

_Friends? Is that all you want? Can I really handle being "just friends?"_

I smiled, "Of course we're friends."

She sat up, "Good, I'm glad."

I got out of bed and stretched. "Come on, we need to get going."

She stood up and went to take a shower.

---------

The rest of that week went better than I had expected. Things between Spencer and I didn't go back to the way they were, they were much better. We talked and hung out almost constantly. Sometimes, she'd do things like hold my hand or kiss me on the cheek, even when we were in front of other people. Every time she did so, my heart would race, but then I'd see her smile, and I'd calm back down again.

She made me sign up for the "Battle of the Bands" contest that our school was having. And by made me sign up, I mean, she wrote my name and _then _told me. I didn't mind that much; the only problem was she signed me up as a The Spill Canvas cover band. I was just worried that if I sucked, fans of The Spill Canvas would come and kick my ass. She laughed at me when I told her that. She said that I was being over dramatic. She said that _I _was over dramatic. That came from the girl who cried when I told her that her shell necklace came from the deaths of several innocent sea snails. She's a vegetarian. Ok, so I was a little harsh, but I meant it as a joke. She never wore that necklace again.

--------

"Ash, did you hear me?"

"Huh," I said in confusion.

She laughed, "I was telling you about Aiden. Were you even listening?" Spencer asked.

"Huh…no sorry, I zoned out. What about Aiden?"

"He wants to get back together."

"Don't tell me that you're seriously thinking about it!"

She said nothing and looked down in shame.

"Spence! He cheated on you, and he lies. He's no good for you."

"I know, but he apologized and stopped seeing Valerie."

"So what!" I was now yelling. _How can she forgive him so easily? I hate him. I want him to just die! _

"So, maybe he didn't mean…"

I cut her off. "He didn't mean to what? Fuck some bitch just because you weren't ready to have sex with him? He didn't mean to lie all the time? Spence, don't make excuses for him."

"I'm not," she said, looking down at the ground.

"Then what is it you're doing?"

She at her shoes and mumbled, "Why do you care any way?"

"Because I care about you, and if he were to hurt you ever again…I'd kill him."

She looked up at me. She was shocked at what I had just said.

"I could never live with myself if I stood back and watched him hurt you again."

She smiled and leaned closer. I suddenly couldn't breathe. Her face was only a few inches away from mine. She then kissed my cheek and hugged me.

"Thank you," she whispered into my ear.

I melted.

_Ding… Ding…Ding!_

She pulled away. She stood up and put her hand out, waiting for me to grab it. So, I did.

"Walk me to class?" she asked.

"Course," I replied, grabbing both of our books.

--------

So…although Spencer wasn't going to go back out with Aiden, she had agreed to remain his friend. This still angered me, but I couldn't tell her. She seemed so happy when she was with him. She gave him those smiles that she gave me. The smiles that could make all the pain and agony in the world vanish. It made me mad that she smiled at him that way. I couldn't tell her that, though. He hung out with her a lot. Which of course meant that he hung out with me too. That only made me hate him that much more.

"WOOOOOOOOH!" _And suddenly he enters, as if on cue._

"Aiden, why the fuck do you have to yell like a dying pig every time you walk into the band room?" I asked him.

He laughed and walked right passed me. I turned and grabbed him by the arm.

"I asked you a question," I snarled through my teeth.

"And I don't care to answer it," he replied with the fakest smile I had ever seen.

"Just because she can't see through this masquerade that your putting on, doesn't mean that I don't know who you really are, because I do."

"Oh yeah?" he asked sarcastically. "Please, enlighten me. Who am I?"

"Your just another hormone crazed teenage boy who cares for nothing except for his own dick."

"Hmm…" he said putting his hand to his chin as if thinking. _I hope he doesn't think too hard. Wouldn't want him to hurt himself._

"Are you done, or is it really that hard for such a tiny brain to comprehend such simple ideas."

He said nothing, and only smiled at me.

"You know, if you weren't lesbian, I'd totally fuck you."

I suddenly wanted to vomit.

"First off, who said I was lesbian." _I never said I was. Falling for one girl doesn't make you gay. Did I just say…falling…for…SHIT!_

"Second, I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last piece of shit alive."

He laughed. "I'll see you later Ashley," he said walking away.

_I really hope that he doesn't tell Spencer what I said. God that would just suck._

_------_

"ASH! ASHLEY DAVIES! Open this damn door!"

"Alright, alright!" I ran to my bedroom door to open it.

_SMACK!_

_Well fuck, that hurt!_

"What the hell was that for?" I asked.

"Why would you say that?" Spencer asked me. Her eyes were blood shot red, and I could tell that she had been crying.

"Spence, you have to be a little more specific than that."

"How could you talk to Aiden like that? You _know _how much he means to me! Doesn't that mean _anything _to you?"

"I talked to him like that because he treated me like a piece of meat."

"What do you mean?" she asked suddenly looking confused.

"We were talking and out of nowhere he said that he'd like to fuck me! Who the hell just comes right out and says shit like that?"

"Don't fuckin' yell at me!" she yelled.

_Shit, I hadn't realized that I had been yelling._

"I'm sorry Spence, I didn't mean to yell at you."

"I can't talk to you right now," she said turning to leave.

"What does this mean?"

"It means…that I'm not sure…if I can talk to you right now."

"Will you talk to me…later?" I asked. My heart was breaking. I felt so much pain. I was getting ready to run into the kitchen and drench myself in all the alcohol that I could possibly find.

"I…" she turned and looked at me, "don't know."

Then she walked to the front door.

I ran to the driveway, and there he was. Sitting in his band's van, smiling. No, he wasn't smiling. He was grinning. I glared at him.

He then mouthed, "She's mine."

I began to shiver and shake with rage.

I slammed my front door and ran into the kitchen.


	3. It Hurt…You Have No Idea

Chapter 3: It Hurt…You Have No Idea

"Ash," I heard someone call out.

I jolted up as I if I had been shocked with thousands upon thousands of jolts of electricity. I looked around. "Fuck!" I screamed, holding my head. _Shit! Why does my head hurt so bad!_

"Ash?" I heard, only this time, the voice came from the figure that was standing right next to me.

"Oh shit Ash."

"Huh?" I asked confused.

She kneeled down and picked something up. She picked up a bottle of vodka. It was completely empty.

"Is this where you've been the past three days?" she asked me.

_Three days? It's been that long? _I looked up at her. _Spence. God she is so gorgeous. Did I just say…fuck…why am I thinking about her this way? _

"Have you been drinking these past few days?"

"I…don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?!"

"I don't remember."

"What was the last thing you remember?"

Flashback: Right after Spencer left Ashley's house three days ago

_Yeah, well fuck you Spencer Carlin. God! I hate her so much right now. I grabbed another vodka bottle and ran up to my room. I looked over at my acoustic guitar. The same one that I played on for her. I walked over to it and threw it out the window. _

Present

I stood up and glanced out the window. What I saw made me collapse back to the ground.

"Ash…what is it?"

I turned and looked at her. "Get the fuck out of my house!" I said through my gritted teeth.

Her eyes were suddenly filled with tears. "I just wanted to help," she said. I could hear her sobbing begin.

"Can you go back three days ago and take back what you said to me?"

"I wish I could."

"So you can't?"

"No," she said in a whisper.

"Then don't let the door hit you on the way out."

I turned and looked away from her, just waiting for her to leave. I felt like I had to wait for hours, but it was probably mere seconds.

I watched her get into her car from my bedroom window.

Flashback: A year ago in Spencer's bedroom

"_Ash?"_

"_Yeah Spence?"_

"_What's your most prized possession?"_

_I laughed, "You."_

_She punched my arm. _

"_I'm being serious."_

"_So am I."_

_She gave me that puppy dog face; that face that could persuade me to move mountains._

"_A gift that my aunt gave me right before she died."_

"_How did she die?"_

"_She had breast cancer."_

"_Ash?"_

"_Yeah Spence?"_

"_What was her name?"_

"_Ironically, it was Spencer."_

_She smiled. "Really?" she asked in belief._

"_Yeah. That's why I love your name."_

"_I know. You told me that the first day we met."_

"_That's right. I did."_

"_So, what was the gift?"_

_I paused for a moment. "It was a guitar."_

_Silence._

"_Spence?"_

_I looked at her. She was asleep. Spencer, you fucking narcolept. She never did find out what the gift was. She never asked after that. _

Present

_Fuck, I hate you Spencer Carlin. You and Aiden deserve each other. You two are two fucking peas in a pod._

I finally returned to school a week after telling Spencer to get out of my house. I wanted to die. I felt like shit, both mentally and physically. It was killing me, knowing that I couldn't even talk to my best friend. I found out around lunch time that she was dating Aiden again. I wanted so bad to leave and never come back at that very moment.

"What? They're dating? Since when?" I asked.

"Since two days ago," Kyla replied.

"Fuck Ky, how could this happen? He's hurt her so bad."

"So have you."

I froze. While the truth could set you free, that wasn't something that I wanted to hear.

"Thanks Ky, I'm glad you're such a caring sister."

"Hey! It's not my fault that you got drunk and stayed that way for THREE days! It's not MY fault that you threw Aunt Spencer's guitar out the fuckin' window. And it's not my fault that you can't keep your shit together long enough to realize that…Spencer needs you."

"She…needs me?"

"Course she does."

"Then why is she back with Aiden?"

"Because…he was there when you weren't."

"I can be there for her."

"Then show her Ash."

A Week Later: At the battle of the bands competition

"Aww, shit Ky, I'm nervous. What if she doesn't get it?"

"Get what? The song?"

I nodded nervously.

"Ash, it's one song. You're going to play your two favorite Spill Canvas songs, then that one song. You'll be great."

I walked onto the stage. I could see her. She was sitting in the back of the crowd, with Aiden.

"Hey guys. How ya'll doing today?"

"Wooh!" I heard the crowd scream. At this point, I was sure that most of them were drunk out of their minds.

"So, I'm going to do two Spill Canvas covers, and then something of my own."

"Okay, so thanks for listening. So before I get off the stage and allow the next act to go, I'm going to play a song that I wrote, so here goes."

Dark, you can't come soon enough for me  
Saved, from one more day of misery  
Everything I love  
Get back for me now  
Everyone I love  
I need you now  
Don't forget a million miles for me  
Safe and another day passed by me  
Everything I love  
Get back for me now  
Everyone I love  
I need you now  
So I conned,  
I lied I lied to me too  
(so what?)  
So I conned,  
I lied I lied to me too  
(so what?)  
Hold out for the ones you know will love you  
Hide out from the ones you know will love you  
You, you too  
Go to the edge and barely there  
Slow  
To make my move, I'm almost there  
Everything I say I say to me first  
Everything I do I do to me first  
So what, I lied I lied to me too  
(so what?)  
So what, I lied I lied to me too  
Hold out for the ones you know will love you  
Hide out from the ones you know will love you  
You, you too  
Dark you can't come soon enough for me  
(Tegan and Sara's "Dark Can't Come Soon Enough")

"Thanks for listening," I said, right before placing the guitar in my case and jumping down off the stage. I walked right up to her and sat down.

"I think that saying I'm sorry would be an understatement."

She laughed.

"I am so sorry Spence."

"I know."

"Huh?"

"Ky told me."

"Ah, and _that _is the _only _reason why sisters with big mouths are a plus."

She punched me in the arm.

"You owe her, you know."

I looked over at her. She was flirting with the drummer of one of the bands. _Oh Kyla, you are so straight that it's gross. _

"Yeah, I know."

I looked around.

"Where's Aiden?"

"He went home."

"Oh yeah? Why?"

"He wasn't feeling to well."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"No, you're not."

"Ok, you're right, I'm not. Why are you with him anyway?"

"Because I care about him."

"Ok," I replied.

"You're not going to scold me at all?"

"No, should I?"

"Uhm, no."

"Ok, then I won't."

"I liked that last song."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." She looked away.

"I'm sorry about you're guitar."

"It's okay."

"Ky told me."

"Told you what?"

"It was your aunt's, wasn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Oh God, I am _so_ sorry Ash. If I hadn't said what I said…" she started to cry.

I pulled her closer to me and I let her tears cover my shirt.

"It's okay Spence."

She pulled away and I looked at her.

"You're more important to me than some hunk of wood."

She smiled. _Yeah, I have a feeling that things are going to be good. Now, I just have to figure out what to do about Aiden. _


	4. What’s To Become of You?

Chapter 4: What's To Become of You?

"Spence, what do you mean he doesn't want you around me? He can't control you like you're his property," I said.

She shifted uncomfortably on my bed.

"He thinks that our friendship is unhealthy," she replied.

I laughed.

"What's so funny?" she asked, getting slightly paranoid.

"He's definitely not one to judge our 'unhealthy' relationship."

"He's just looking out for me."

"No, he just wants me out of your life. There's a difference, unless…do _you _want me out of your life?"

"No."

"Good," I smiled. "Then tell him to fuck off, 'cause as long as you need me, I'm not going anywhere.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door.

"Hold on, I'll be right back. I'm just going to see who that is," I said, jumping off my bed and running down the stairs.

I opened the door and my smile quickly faded.

"Hello Aiden," I snarled. "What the hell do you want?"

"You look mighty fuckable today."

"Ugh, shut up."

He laughed. "Actually I came to talk to you."

"Well Spencer's here, so we'll have to do this later."

"It won't take long."

"Ok, come on in and sit down on the couch over there," I said, pointing towards the family room. I ran back upstairs.

"Hey Spence?"

Silence.

I looked down at her. She was asleep. I laughed. _Ah Spencer you narcolept. You should get that checked out._

"So," I said sitting down, "What's up."

"I need you to back off," he said, with a very straight face. I had never seen him so serious before.

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't stutter. She's with me and if you ruin it, you'll never see the light of day."

I laughed.

"Really? You're threatening me? You do know that my mom's a lawyer and my parents have enough money to hire a hit-man on you if I wished it?"

"That doesn't mean shit to me!"

I stood up, "I think that we're done here."

He stood up and stood right in front of me. Suddenly I felt his hand inch its way to my stomach and move up and down, very slowly.

"Stop it!" I said, smacking his hand away.

"We could have been good together, you know," he said.

"No Aiden. I don't know you anymore. I thought that I did, but you've changed, and now it's affecting Spencer, and I don't like it. Just know one thing, if you hurt her in any way, I will get you."

He laughed and gave me that grin I hated so much.

"Aiden, what happened to you? You and I used to be so close."

He turned back to face me.

"I fell in love, and now she's gone."

_Kelly. Oh my God! _

He suddenly had pain in his face.

"She killed her self the week after she broke up with me last year."

_Fuck me!_

"Aiden…I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, it's ok."

He turned and left. As he got into the car, he looked back at me and winked. He was wearing that grin again. _That asshole, he fucking lied! To think, I actually had a moment of remorse for him. Fuck!_

"Ash? Who was that?"

I turned around to find Spence standing right behind me. Her hair was a little messed up. I laughed.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"Your hair."

"Huh?" she walked into the bathroom.

"Ahhh!" I heard her yell from the bathroom.

I walked over to her.

"What's wrong?"

She was tying to flatten the left side of her hair.

"It won't stay down!"

I laughed. "Why don't you just jump into the shower? You can borrow some of my clothes."

"Okay."

"Spence?" I said knocking on the bathroom door. The water was already on. "Spence, I have your clothes."

"Okay, can you put them on the counter?"

"Uh, yeah sure."

I opened the door and put them by the sink. _Oh my god. There's a naked Spencer in my shower. Fuck. Don't think about that. Think about…aw, shit, it's no use. _I quickly walked out.

I was sitting on the couch in the living room when she came out.

"Hey," she said, sitting down right next to me.

"Hey," I replied. _Fuck me. She looks amazing in my clothes. I bet she'd look even better without them on…_

"Ash?"

"Huh?"

"Can I sleep here tonight?"

"Uhm, sure."

She smiled and faced the TV, letting her head rest on my shoulder. I then felt the warmth of her hand in mine as she laced our fingers together. _God, what I wouldn't give for her to feel what I feel._

_-------_

We were lying on my bed, waiting for the sleeping to begin. I can already hear her breathing becoming slower and deeper and I know she's asleep. I just can't seem to sleep, and maybe it's because of how close she and I are right now. I didn't know what was going on with me. I was looking at her in ways that I had never done before. I was watching her sleep and things were starting to click. Something changed, but how? Why had they changed? Why now? Was it really possible for my feelings to change that quickly? Was it that I had always felt this way, and it only now it was becoming clear? Could I really fall for her? The more important question was, could she fall for me?

I awoke the next morning, and I rolled over. I opened my eyes, expecting to see Spencer, but she wasn't there. I sat up.

"Spence?" I called.

_Nothing._

I got up out of bed and stretched. I walked over to my closet and slipped on a pair of jeans. I then went to brush my teeth and there she was.

"Spence? Are you okay?" I asked. She was slumped over with her face practically inside the toilet.

"Ugh….no."

"Should I get you some water?"

"Mhmm, can you just wet a towel for me."

"Okay."

I walked to the cabinet and grabbed a rag, wetting it with cold water.

"Should I put you on the bed? It's probably a lot more comfortable."

"I would like that."

I handed her the rag, and she held it against her forehead. I picked her up and carried her to my bed, laying her down and then covering her with the covers.

"Spence, I'm gonna run downstairs and grab the thermometer. Will you be okay?" I asked.

"Mhm…yeah."

I ran as quickly as I could. When I got back upstairs to my room, she looked as if she was asleep.

"Hey Spence?"

"Hmm.." she mumbled.

"Can you open your mouth, so I can check your temp?"

"Okay," she said, opening her mouth.

"Uhm, this can't be," I said.

"What, what is it?" Spence asked, trying to sit up.

"Uhm, this thing says that you're temperature is 103 degrees Fahrenheit."

"Oh my god."

"What?"

"Ash, take me to the hospital!"

"What?"

"TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL!"

"Okay," I said, grabbing my car keys before going to pick her up.

---------

I woke up in a chair. I didn't know when I had fallen asleep. I looked over, and Spencer was in the hospital bed. She looked so lifeless. I had never seen her like that. It scared me. I stood up and stretched my stiff back.

"Hey," she whispered without opening her eyes.

"Hey," I replied, walking so that I was standing right next to her. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, my throat hurts from all the vomiting."

I hated watching her throw up. She must have done it around twenty or so times last night. Eventually, once there was nothing left in her stomach, she was dry heaving. It killed me to watch.

"So the doctors are going to be running some tests today," I said, almost out of nowhere.

"I know."

_Silence._

"Did you tell Aiden that I'm in the hospital?"

"Uhm, no, was I supposed to?"

"Will you please? He deserves to know."

_Like he'd even care._

"Okay, I'll go call him. I leave so you can get some rest."

I walked over and kissed her forehead.

"Call me if you need anything."

"Mkay," she replied, already starting to fall asleep.

I had to call him three times before he finally picked up.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hey Aiden, its Ashley."

"Ashley. What, did you finally realize that you're totally into me?"

"Yeah, you wish."

"Alright, well if it's not that, then why is it you're calling me?"

"Spencer asked me to call you and let you know that she's in the hospital."

"What…what's wrong with her?"

_Wow, is he actually worried about her? He _does _care. _

"Uhm, we don't know yet. The doctors are going to run some tests. Basically, she's been puking her guts out for the past 36 hours."

"Tell me where you are, and I'll be there as fast as I can."

After hanging up, I walked back into Spencer's room to see her doctor in there as well.

"Uhm, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the doctor said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Well, I'm going to have to discuss some things with Miss Carlin and her parents."

That's when I noticed that her parents were sitting on the chairs by Spencer's bed.

"Uhm, Dr. Riley, I'd prefer that she were here as well," Spencer said, looking at me.

She was scared; I could see it in her face.

"Okay, but your parents have to approve of that," Dr. Riley said.

They both nodded yes.

"Okay, well according to the tests we ran, Spencer seems to have…."


	5. What Could Have Been

Chapter 5: What Could Have Been…

"Okay, well according to the tests we ran, Spencer seems to have…." He pauses and looks at his charts.

_Oh my god! Could you be any slower?_

"Uhm, Spencer, you have stomach cancer."

_WHAT?!_

"Now as far as treatments, lucky for you, we caught it very early. I advice that you start chemotherapy right away."

_Why is no one speaking? Please someone say something! Am I being Punk'd?_

"Can we have a moment to talk to Spencer?" Mr. Carlin said.

"Of course. Call me if you have any questions," Dr. Riley replied.

"Would you like me to leave as well Mr. Carlin?" I asked.

"No! Please stay Ash," Spencer said, before Mr. Carlin could say anything.

"Okay." I walked over to her, and she quickly grabbed my hand. Only then, did she start to cry.

-------

When her parents left the room to get lunch, she finally let go of my hand. She motioned for me to sit down on the bed next to her.

"Hey," she whispered, finally breaking the silence.

"Hey," I replied.

"Are you okay?"

"You're asking if I'm okay? You're the one with cancer."

"I know, but I don't look as pale as you do. And you're the tan one," she said laughing.

"How can you laugh at a moment like this?" I asked.

"Because as long as I laugh, I won't have to think about how scared I am."

"You're scared?"

"To death."

"Me too."

"Why are _you _scared?" she asked, sitting up straighter.

"I'm scared because this is something that I can't exactly protect you from." I looked down. "I'm scared of losing you," I whispered.

She took my hand again. "You won't lose me. I promise."

I looked back up at her. "How can you make such a promise?"

"Because even if I die," she paused and moved closer to me, "I'm still going to be with you."

Neither one of us wanted to talk about it anymore. She would be starting the chemo tomorrow, and I'd be there next to her. When she told Aiden that she had cancer, I was in the lobby getting coffee. When I finally got back to the room, I saw something I never thought was possible. Aiden was crying. When I walked towards him, he turned and looked at me.

"Can I talk to you really quick?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied, following him to the hall.

"So…what's up?" I asked.

He wiped his face.

"Look, I know that we don't exactly like each other, but we need to work something out. She needs us."

"I know, and you're right. I think that it'd be good if she had both of us."

"Look, I know that you have an important place in her heart, I'm just asking you to share her. Just let me prove to her that I've changed."

_Has he really changed? Can I really put her first and let him be with her, instead of…me?_

"Okay Aiden. Please, just whatever you do, don't hurt her. I don't think that she'd be able to handle it, especially now." _Although I wanted to be with her, more than anything, they needed each other. And as much as I didn't want to admit it, he looked as though he had changed, whether it took Spencer being sick or not, he changed. _

Two Months Later

"Hey," I said, answering the door.

"Hey," Spencer replied, walking in.

We walked up the stairs to my bedroom, where we spent most of our days. Since school was finally out, we hung out a lot. The only time that we didn't was when she was with Aiden, which wasn't as often as he wanted. They hung out every Friday, and I got Saturdays with her. As much as I hated church, ever since she started the chemo, she made me go every Sunday morning and Wednesday night.

"So, what do you want to do? We can play PS3, or we can watch a movie, or we can go swimming," I said, watching Spencer sit at my desk.

"Let's go swimming."

"Are you sure you have the energy for that? I don't want you to strain yourself out."

"Yeah," she said standing up. She held out her hand and smiled. She smiled that smile that I loved so much, the smile that she seemed to only wear for me.

"Okay, then let's go swimming," I said, grabbing her hand.

She came out of my bathroom, wearing one of the many bathing suits that I had bought her, all of which stayed at my house. I bought them for her for two reasons. One: she had none and two: because she looked absolutely amazing in them. Sometimes, I mentally punched myself for buying them _just because_ they made her look so amazing.

"Hey, how do I look?" she asked.

_Fuck! Do you want the truth, or a lie?_

"You look…" _what do I say?_ "Good. You look good."

"Uh…thanks," she replied, awkwardly.

_Fuck! Did I say something wrong?_

"So, ready to swim?"

"Yeah," she replied, walking behind me.

When we got to the pool, I picked Spencer up and carried her to the ledge.

"Ash, don't you dare!" she warned.

"Oh watch me," I replied playfully, and then I jumped right into the pool with her in my arms. _Yes, I said with her in my arms. Oh how I love the way that sounds. _

"That wasn't very nice," Spencer said, just as her head poked out of the water.

I laughed.

"Sorry, maybe next time you can get your revenge," I replied.

"Or maybe…I can get it now," she said, ducking my head into the water and jumping onto my back.

I shot back up, and there she was. She was no longer on my back. No, she was right in front of me.

"Hey, that wasn't very…nice," I said, then realizing how uncontrolled my breathing was.

"Yeah, well, maybe next time you can get your revenge," she replied.

I moved away a little.

"Uh, you know, I think that I should get home. Aiden's been complaining about how little time he and I spend together. I think it'd be good if I hung out with him tonight."

"Yeah, okay. I can drop you off at your place."

"Okay, cool, I'm just gonna jump into the shower first," Spencer said, getting out of the pool. I watched her walk into my house, and my gaze fell to the ground. _I almost kissed her. I should have. Would that have changed anything? Probably not._

_------_

I drove Spencer to her house in complete silence. I'm not quite sure why she didn't speak, but for me, I didn't know what to say. When I finally pulled into her driveway, he was already there, waiting for her. She turned and looked at me.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" she asked.

"If you want to," I replied.

"Yeah. I'll get my mom or dad to drop me off."

"Okay."

"Do you think…that I could spend the night tomorrow?" she asked.

"Of course," I replied, trying very hard to hide my smile.


	6. The Proximity Rule

**A/N: So I know it's been forever since I've added a new chapter to this story. For that, I'm so very sorry. Life's been sort of crazy lately, and I never really have the chance to just sit and write. This chapter is not that long, but I hope to have another up soon. Thanks for reading. :)**

Chapter 6: The Proximity Rule

Do you have any idea what it's like? To be _this_ close to Spencer Carlin and NOT kiss her? Ugh, it has _got _to be _the _most difficult thing that I've ever had to endure. She's lying in _my _bed, with her arms wrapped around my neck. I can feel her breath hit my skin every few seconds and it's the most intoxicating and painful thing. It hurts because it shouldn't feel _this _good. She's got a boyfriend. A _boy_friend. Her legs are entwined with mine, and I can't breath. I feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust at any moment.

_I froze. _She was starting to wake up. She moved so that we were face to face.

"Morning," she smiled groggily.

"Morning," I replied. I finally released the breath that I felt I was holding for what seemed like forever.

"Are you okay? You look a little pale," she said, her smile suddenly turning to a face of worry.

"I'm fine. I just woke up," I smiled.

"Yeah, but you're tan. I've _never _seen you _this _pale."

"Oh, I must be getting sick or something."

"Oh, want me to make you some soup or something?"

I sat up and got off the bed. I could no longer take being that close to her. "Uhm…no thanks. I think I'll be alright."

"Oh, okay," she replied, walking to stand next to me.

"I should probably take you home, so your parents don't worry."

"Ash," she placed her hand up on my cheek, "what's wrong?"

"It's nothing Spence. Don't worry, ok?"

"I don't believe you Ash. You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Yeah, I know."

"Please, don't hide things from me."

"Ok Spence."

I hated lying to her, but there are just some things she can _not _hear.

------

By the time we got to her house, her parents were already at work. Before we left, she called them and let them know I was dropping her off.

"Please don't go," she said, right as she stepped out of my car.

"I have to Spence. I…have things I have to do. But I'm sure Aiden could come over and hang with you. You know, keep you company."

"I'd rather you keep me company," she mumbled, but I heard her loud and clear.

"What?"

"Nothing. I guess…I'll see you later then?"

"Yeah, of course."

I watched her walk into her house, and damn her for having such a nice ass. God, now I just fucking need a cold shower.

About an hour later, I felt my phone vibrate and I opened it to find a new text message.

**Please come over Ash. We can watch a movie? –Spence**

**And who is "we?" –Ash**

**You, me, and Aid. Please? –S**

**What movie? –A**

**Uhm, something scary probably –S**

**Ugh, okay. I'll be there in 20 –A**

**Thanks Ash! –S**

As I drove to her house, I was seriously starting to regret my decision. Scary movies meant she had to cling to someone. This meant she'd be in Aiden arms. I'm not sure how well that'll go.

---------

I sat on the floor in front of her couch, while the two of them sat practically on top of each other on above me. I absolutely refused to look at them. I knew this would suck for me. Third wheel is never fun, and with Spencer and Aiden, it was just pure torture. I decided I needed a break from their little "love fest." I stood up and walked over to the kitchen and poured a glass of water. I wanted to prolong my time away from them, so I just leaned against the kitchen counter, drinking the water slowly.

"Ash?"

I was suddenly stolen from my thoughts. I turned around to find a certain blonde.

"Hey Spence."

"What are you doing?"

"I just needed some water," I smiled. "Why don't you go back and watch the movie. I'll be there in a minute."

She didn't answer. Instead, she took a step closer to me, and then another. Soon, she was right in front of my face, her breaths hitting my face. I could smell her shampoo. _Lavender. _

"What are you doing Spencer?" I ask in fear.

"I just…" her fingers lightly trace my lips.

I'm frozen and I have no idea what to do. And then she kisses me, and it feels like the whole world has stopped. I don't move. My reaction is too slow. It doesn't seem real. She's kissing me while her boyfriend is in the other room. _Her boyfriend. _And it's that realization that makes me push her away.

"Stop it Spence."

"Spencer?"

We both turn to see who called her name. _Aiden._

"Oh no," she whispers.

_We are so fucked. _


	7. Look at what you’ve done!

Chapter 7: Look at what you've done!

My sight switches from his face back to hers. Over and over this happens and still no one speaks. Part of me wonders if he's just frozen in shock, or if he's thinking about what happened. The silence is _killing _me.

"How could you?" he turned to me.

"Me? I did nothing. It was--"

"Don't you dare try and blame her!" he yelled.

"What?! How is that fair? She tried to kiss me, not the other way around!"

He shook his head.

_Why isn't she saying anything?_

"Leave," he said, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Fine. I was starting to get tired of this anyways."

I started to head to the door, but turned to Spencer first.

"Why didn't you say anything? You didn't even stick up for me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking at the ground.

I turned away and left. I refused to let her see how much pain she had just caused.

-------

"Ash? Ash, please open this door."

"No Kyla. I want to wallow in self-pity. At least for the time being. Please just let me heal on my own."

"Come on Ash. This is a big step. She kissed you. Just go and talk to her. Sort things out. Find out what you mean to her."

I crawled off my bed and opened the door to find my little sister smiling at me. I couldn't help but smile back.

"Okay Kyla. I'll go see her. _Later._"

"Cool. I called her. She's on her way so hop in the shower. You've got twenty minutes.

"What?!" she was already on her way downstairs. "Kyla! Ugh…"

--------

I skipped down the stairs as the soon as the doorbell rang. I took a quick look at myself before opening the door.

_Since when did my Death Cab shirt get so small? _I thought as I pulled my shirt down a little. _I bet Kyla has something to do with this. _

I opened the door and tried not to let my jaw hit the floor. She wasn't dressed like her normal self. She was wearing a pair of skinny jeans that seemed to hug her body like just another layer of skin. Her torso covered in a tank top that was starting to ride up.

"Hey—Spence."

"Hi Ash," she giggled.

We both stood there awkwardly

"Oh—come in," I said suddenly, remembering that she was still standing outside.

I followed her in, both of us sitting on the couch.

"About yesterday—," I started.

"I'm sorry," she quickly interjected.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone."

"STOP!"

I stared at her in awe. _She just yelled at me? Oh my god. Spencer Carlin just yelled at me._

"Quit apologizing for shit you aren't doing."

My eyes grew even bigger.

"Since when do you curse?"

"Since now. Now stop being so shocked about everything I do and listen."

I could only shake my head 'yes.'

"I'm sorry because I keep dragging you along for nothing but my own selfish reasons. I love having you as a friend, even though I know it hurts you most of the time. That kiss, it shouldn't have happened. But I won't say I regret it, because I don't. But I will tell you this. It will never happen again."

"Oh. Okay," I replied, my eye sight darting towards the ground.

She placed her hand on my chin and made me look at her.

"Are you—sad about that?"

My eyes grew. I couldn't tell her. She needed me. Scratch that. I needed _her. _

"Huh? No, I just…nevermind. Can you just please tell Aiden that I'm sorry."

She shook her head.

"I already told you. Stop apologizing. And I told him that _I _was sorry."

"Oh, okay then."

She smiles at me, and her ocean like eyes catch me and reel me in. I smile back because that's what she does to me. I hate the "friend-zone," but I fear I may be here a while.

**A/N: Sorry guys, I know it's short. School is getting more and more hectic for me...plus, there's a special someone who keeps me pretty tied up. Hope you all like it none the less. I'll try to PMS. :)**


	8. Tell Me You Love Me

Chapter 8: Tell Me You Love Me

I laid out on my bed. This Saturday morning was unlike most others. It was slightly chilly in the mostly sunny California. I loved it when the weather was like this I must admit. The change was nice most of the time. I sat up and looked out my window. One of the few trees in our back yard was starting to lose its beautifully colored leaves. As I headed to my closet, I thought about what my day would have in store. Sure, today might be my birthday, but to me that no longer meant anything.

I quickly slid on a pair of faded jeans and t-shirt that sported Death Cab for Cutie's "Plans" album cover on it. As I sat down to put on my shoes, I wondered what Spencer would do. Would she have something special for us to do? Not that I wanted anything in particular. Anything with her was special.

I skipped down the stairs only to see Spencer standing in the kitchen, pouring herself a bowl of cereal.

"Well well. If it isn't the birthday girl," she exclaimed, grinning at me.

I chuckled lightly. She was still in her pj's. "Hey Spence."

"Hope you don't mind. We were out of Lucky Charms."

"You know I don't mind," I smiled. "Make me a bowl?"

She was already setting a bowl out before I finished asking.

"Anything for you," she winked.

_She winked? Since when does Spencer Carlin wink? Wink at _me?

"Thanks Spence."

We sat in the kitchen silently, just munching away at our childish cereal. I randomly looked up to see her engrossed in her cereal. I couldn't help but laugh at how adorable she was.

Before I knew it, we were both sitting on my couch, watching mindless cartoons. Minutes later, Spencer turned to face me, and gave me this look. One that I can only describe as quizzical. She wanted to know something. She was tried to read me. But she was having trouble.

"You always fidget around me. Or put your hands in your pockets. Why is that?"

"What do you mean? I don't do that…"

I looked down at myself. She was right. My hands: in my pockets. My foot: tapping. I knew exactly why. It was her fault. She should know.

"I—I don't know."

I was tripping over my own words. _Dammit._

"Please Ash. Tell me. You can trust me."

I shook my head.

"It's nothing, ok?"

"No! Not okay. I hate that you're hiding from me. We're getting along, and I love it. But I can't help but feel like you're not telling me everything. Is it Aiden?"

I shook my head.

"Than what is it? Please, just tell me."

She was begging. The sight of her big blue eyes, glistening with tears, broke my heart.

"I can't," I whispered.

She moved ever so closely.

"Why?" her voice cracked.

She was going to cry. I wasn't ready for that. This was not how I wanted to tell her how I felt.

What if this is a dream? I would tell her how I truly felt, only to wake up a few minutes, or even seconds later. I'd awake, maybe in a cold sweat, but still relieved. No, this couldn't be a dream, but she still deserves to know.

"It's you."

"What?"

"You're the reason why I'm acting 'funny.' You're the reason why I have to keep my hands in my pockets, because honestly, if they weren't in my pockets, I'd always want to touch. Caress your cheeks," my hands left the warmth of my pockets to cup the sides of her face, "or pull you closer to me," I placed my hands on her waist pulling her so there was no space between us, "or do this," my hands started to rub the skin on the sides of her stomach.

I watched her close her eyes, and have trouble breathing. I relished the moment. How long before she realized what was happening? Before she realized that I was Ashley. That I was a girl and that she was straight. How long before she pulled away? At least now I had something to hold on to.

"Ash," she whispered, her eyes still tightly shut.

I moved so that my forehead rested on hers.

"Yes?"

"Kiss me."

Kiss her? She was asking me to kiss her. But Aiden. It wouldn't be fair. What about me?

"I can't," I sighed.

Her eyes finally opened.

"Why not?"

"Aiden," I said, simply.

She pulled away, ever so slightly.

"I don't love him."

I shook my head.

"I can't hurt him like that. He loves you."

"So do you. Right?"

I kissed her forehead.

"More than you could fathom."

"Than Aiden shouldn't matter. Please Ash. I can't keep waiting."

I wanted to, God I did. Why couldn't I? It was fear, almost certainly.

"Tell me you love me?" she begged, tears falling from her face.

"I—love you."

She left only moments later. I should've kissed her. I should've. I hate that I didn't. Now things can _never _go back.

**A/N: I know it's been a while since my last update. Sorry it took so long. For those still reading this, thanks. I'm glad people enjoy this story. I'm always thankful for reviews. Thanks for all of the support. Happy Holidays everyone. **


	9. Fixing This One Calls for Backup

**A/N: Okay, so I know it isn't very long but I felt I should get an update out there before I start school again. I don't know when the next chapter will be up. It might take a while. So tell me what you all think. Hope everyone enjoyed their break. Enjoy!**

Chapter 9: Fixing This One Calls for Backup

Why didn't I kiss her? I should've. I hate regrets and now this is the biggest one I've ever experienced. I miss her. I haven't spoken to her in over a week. Am I avoiding her? I don't mean to. But then again, she hasn't called either. She hasn't come by my house. Is she sick? Is she okay?

I pick up my cell and flip through it until I find Aiden's number. I laugh to myself. I almost forgot that I put him as "Fuck Face."

It rings a few times before he picks up.

"Hello?"

"Aiden? It's Ashley."

"Oh, hi," he replies, sounding slightly disappointed.

"Have you heard from Spencer lately?"

"No. I was hoping that you were her, actually."

"Really? I'm worried about her. I haven't seen or heard from her for about a week."

"Yeah, same here. I went to her house yesterday and no one was home."

"Have you tried her on the cell?" I ask.

"I leave her a message at least twice a day."

"Fuck. Aiden, do you think she's back at the hospital?"

He sighs. "I'm not sure. She hasn't seemed sick."

"It doesn't take much. Meet me at the hospital in half in hour."

"Why are you doing this?"

"I messed up. Big time and I need you."

"Okay," he said, right before I heard the dial tone.

Was I making the right choice? Calling him?

I stood at the entrance, and watched Aiden approach me.

"She's in room1109B," he said.

"How do you know?"

"I finally got a hold of her mom."

"Is she okay?"

"Apparently she fell and broke her leg. The treatment for her cancer made her bones weaker, so they aren't releasing her yet."

"Okay. It's not that serious, is it?" my heart starts to race.

"I hope not. Ready to go see her?" he smiles.

"Why not? You can see her rip my throat out!"

He laughs.

"I like you when you're not kissing my girlfriend," he says.

"Yeah well you're okay when you're not being an ass…which isn't that often."

"Hey!"

I laugh.

"Come on, let's go see your girl."

He smiles. "Our girl."

_Our girl?_ I kind of like the sound of that.

I stood outside and let Aiden go ahead of me. I waited a good half an hour before he came outside and told me that it was my turn. I was nervous. I was afraid that she wouldn't want to see me. Aiden gave me a reassuring smile and pushed me towards the door.

Her facial expression was empty even after she saw me. I smiled, and still she didn't move or change her posture. She was sitting up slightly and I felt like she was staring straight through me. As if I wasn't even there. _Could she destroy my heart anymore? _

"Hey," I whispered, still standing in the doorway.

"Hi," she replied.

"How are you?"

"How does it look?" she retorts, anger seething from her.

_Great. She still hates me. _

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked," I said, looking down at my feet.

She let out a sigh.

"Ash, just come sit," she said, patting the spot next to her.

I lifted my head to see her smiling. I moved and sat beside her.

"I am so sorry Spence."

"For what? I'm the one who has been avoiding you for a week."

"Yeah, but I keep making it harder for you to be my friend."

She laughs.

"I asked _you_ to kiss _me_. Not the other way around."

"Yeah, but I don't know. I should've ended things differently. I just—"

"I broke up with him," she said, cutting me off.

I stopped breathing. My heart stopped beating. Everything suddenly felt so surreal.

"You WHAT?!"


	10. He Really Loved Her, Then, Didn’t He?

**A/N: So...I know it's been a while since I've updated this story, and I'm SOOOO sorry. I have been having the worst writer's block ever. I hate it soo much. Anyways, I hope to update my other two stories soon. Some one shots may be published soon as well, so keep an eye out for those. I hope everyone is doing well. Let me know what you think about this chapter. **

Chapter 10: He Really Loved Her, Then, Didn't He?

"I broke—"

"I heard you," I said, cutting her off. I was starting to get mad.

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Not like this. Never like this."

"What do you mean?"

I looked away.

"I don't even know if you truly love me."

"What? I just broke up with my boyfriend for you! Does that mean nothing?"

I looked back at her and my heart broke when I saw her tears. I raised my hands to wipe her eyes and cup her cheeks. I moved until our foreheads touched.

"You're my best friend Spence. I love you more than I think you could ever comprehend, but if I were to lose you, it'd kill me. I'd rather be your friend for the rest of my life, than to be your girlfriend until you realize I'm not what you want."

"Who says I'd want anyone else?" she asked.

"You're not gay Spence. I know that."

"You don't believe that we could fall for the person _not _the gender?"

I smiled and moved away.

"I've never heard that before."

"But could you believe it?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I think I could."

I sat in my room thinking about what had happened in the hospital room. The conversation with Spencer kept replaying in my head…over and over again. I just couldn't wrap my head around any of it. How could Aiden take the break up so well when at first he wanted me out of Spencer's life entirely? What had changed?

"Ash?" I heard through my door.

"What's up Kyla?" I asked just as she opened the door.

"Are you okay?" she asked, sitting next to me on my bed.

"Yeah, I'm just confused."

"About what?"

"Aiden. I don't get him at all."

She laughed.

"Are you _mocking _me?" I asked in all seriousness.

"No," still laughing, "it's just that Aiden says the same about you."

"And how would you know that?"

"He was just here. He and I talked for a while."

I stood up.

"And you are just _now _telling me? I would've liked to talk him."

"He asked me not to tell you until after he left."

"What did he want? And why was he talking to _you_?"

"He was just making sure that you were okay. He wanted to tell me that he's moving."

_So that explains why he took the breakup the way he did. But still, I don't get his behavior._

"Moving? Explain."

"He's moving. He can't stay here anymore. He told me how he knew that you and Spencer are in love and who is he to stop true love? But he can't stay. He loves her, he really does. Enough to let her go."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I know. I don't think I could ever be that selfless."

I looked up at my little sister. She was so young. She hardly knew. A year younger than me and yet it felt more like a decade was between us. Of course she could never be that selfless. She's never been in love. She doesn't know what it's like. He was doing exactly what I had done. Only he's leaving with a smile and no chance in turning back.

"You'd do that if you were in love," I tell her.

"You really think so?"

"Yeah. I mean that's what I did. That's what Aiden has done. And he never had a heart before now. I think you'd be capable of letting go of the one you loved if it were what they wanted."

"Are you going to go talk to Spencer now?"

"Yeah," I stood up, "I think I will. I'll be back later tonight, okay?"

"Yeah for sure! Go get your girl!"

I ran out the door grabbing my car keys and heading back to the hospital. I had some unfinished business to attend to.

I walked into her room and noticed that she was asleep. I couldn't bare the thought of waking her when she appeared to be resting so damn peacefully.

I took the moment to look at her. And I mean _really _look at her. I couldn't help but smile down at her. I wondered what she was dreaming of. Her chest slowly rose and fell in a pattern that almost hypnotized me. Even in her sleep she was a work of beauty. I really do wonder what Spencer Carlin sees in me. It isn't hard to fall for her. I can now see just how both Aiden and I had our hearts captured by this girl. Anyone could fall for her. Just as that thought crossed my mind, she began to stir. I waited patiently for her gorgeous blue eyes to show.

"Hey," she whispered, smiling.

I leaned down and laid a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"Hey," I replied in just the same tone.

"What're you doing here?"

"I can't come and see you?"

She sat up and looked at me seriously.

"Of course you can! You just have that look."

"What look?"

"The look where you have something to say, but you don't know how to put into words."

"Oh," I laughed, "that face."

"Well, what is it?" she asks, tilting her head to the side.

"He really loved you."

"Aiden? Yeah, I know. I loved him, but I'm not _in _love with him. Besides, he just isn't the one."

"But he _really _loves you. I mean, he gave up his happiness for you."

"You were doing the same."

I looked away.

"It's different."

"How so?"

"I did it selfishly. I didn't want to lose you."

She pulled my face so that I couldn't help but stare into her eyes.

"No. I'm the only selfish one here. I pulled two great people in ways to make me happy. I never once saw how hurt you were. So please, can we just leave it all behind and start over?"

I smiled.

"Of course," I nodded, "Anything for you."

"Kiss me dummy."

"Yes ma'am," I whispered, right before closing the space between us, my lips moving with hers. The ecstasy I felt from kissing her was a feeling I knew would never get old.

**A/N: Yay!! Happy ending!....Not. haha. Everything appears to be so great now. What about chapter one? For the next few chapters, you may want to go back and read the first chapter again. Hope this was at least an okay update. Peace!**


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